A Sense of Self Worth.

It's been a month into the new year. Which means fours months of job hunting. And nothing. Nada. Not even an interview. Just rejection after rejection. Or worse, no response at all. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check my phone for messages and emails. And every morning before I even get out of bed a chunk of my self worth, whatever is left of it, is further chipped away. While I brush my teeth I wonder to myself, am I really that useless? I have to be, or I'd have had atleast one positive response from the several hundred applications I've sent out over the last four months. More than a quarter year spent applying and not even an k terview to show for it. Wow, I must really be quite worthless. 

Didn't I do everything one is supposed to? I have a decent resume, a cover letter I've put all of my motivatios, hopes and abilities into, compiled a bunch of recommendation letters and all my certificates. And still nothing. 

I guess I just need to accept the fact that people don't get more worthless than me. Worthless, useless, pathetic me. 

Well, I won't stop applying. I won't stop searching. I have however stopped hoping. I've stopped dreaming. I may have a noisy head but no more dreams. 

The Noodle

How has such delectation come about?

This thing so long and all around,

Such flexibility has it in all things,

Shape, form and tasty strings,

Hot one day and cold the next,

To taste of it way well be a hex,

Sating hunger of stomach and soul,

And it often comes in a bowl,

I speak ofcourse of the noodle,

Which the world loves in oodles.

What I am

I am the black spot that scars,

The faces of countless stars,

I am the deep void from,

Whence dark shadows come,

All will love me and despair,

Be they or not prepared. 

Await

Oh dear stranger, you have come from afar. 

Tell me where you have come from. 

With your face as white as the feathers of a swan, and your eyes as grey as deep rain clouds. 

If you were my companion, and I see that you are, then my heart and my home will always be open to you. . 

Night and Day

Sky blue, sky black,

From morning light to nighttime lack,

Thick clouds in the one,

To bring and to pour

The rains on parched land,

Stars and planets studded in the other,

A world away from this one,

Speak of one and speak away,

It speaks of the night and of the day

Why not me?

So a few months(12/11/2019) ago I met Mr. Eau, again. I met him for the first time in the spring of 2019 but I never paid much attention to the guy. I ran into him again at the Asian grocery store when Elise was visiting and again I didn't pay him much attention. Ofocurse I saw him every now and then at the institute, since he works there too, but again I never paid him much attention. 

Then on that fateful day after I told Carole I was leaving her work group for Thomas Martin's, I ran into him once again at the vertebrate paleontology seminar. I don't know why I did it but when he insisted I sit with him, to my future regret, I did. That's when I discovered he was gay. And suddenly something clicked. I don't know what but something made me feel. We spent what, an hour or so chatting while presentations took place, and in that time he'd already invited me to a talk he was giving several weeks later and I felt as though there was a rapport between us. As we left and I went home I in my infinite stupidity asked him for his number, which he gave me and so began the folly. I swear if that day hadn't happened, if I hadn't gone to that seminar, I would have had to deal with one less hurt. 

Anyway, what happend happened and I must live with it. Since that day I went on to chat with him quite a lot. In fact every morning when I woke up I'd check my phone expectantly if he had already messaged me. And each time he did I go so excited. How utterly stupid I am. I detest myself for this. 

Now it turns out that he was in fact the very first person I met in Bonn. Back in 2017 when I first arrived here and was living in Duisdorf, I still had a profile on Planet Romeo and he found me there. I think the fact that I mentioned I'm a paleontologist on my profile caught his attention and he messaged me. I was genuinely surprised such a cute guy would message me so I happily replied. Ofocurse, now I realize that in is profile he didn't have his glasses on and that does make him look a bit different. We texted everyday for weeks. He made me quite happy and I rememeber this because after leaving Lille I was incredibly depressed and sad and I think I was in one of my phases too, but chatting with him made me feel comfortable and cheerful again. We talked about many things, science, art, movies, books, our lives. And eventually one day our conversation led to sex. He asked me things like my role, my likes and dislikes and eventually asked me for nudes. I told him I'm shy about this sort of thing, partly because of self consious fears and I didn't want to turn him off so he sent me his first. A couple of artful nudes and a few full frontal stuff. So I sent him mine. He seemed to like and we continued with some dirty talk and future "possibilities". 

Eventually after talking a lot of science and stuff we decided to connect on Facebook. And we decided to finally meet and he asked me to come to the vertebrate paleontology seminar. I went but didn't find him. It could be that I didn't recognize him because of his glasses but he's not very regular with the seminar so he may not have shown up at all but anyway I was upset so went home and the next day I left for France to collect my visa and then we lost touch. But now that I remember the whole thing I can't shake it from my head. It's there, that question of possibility. We shared things and he doesn't even remember them! 

I can't help but feel why not me?

A painful nightmare

A fine fall day sometime in the near future. I bring my veena along with me to the park where some of my friends are hanging out. They coax me into playing for them and eventually I do. People around notice the strange instrument. After a while pf playing it's time to go back to the office. So I start to put away my instrument. As I do a guy walks up to me. He looks rather a bit like the guy from the movie "center of my world". He asks me about my instrument and tells me how much he likes it and sounds wonderful and that sort of thing. We get chatting and he introduces himself as Ben. I'm take aback slightly but introduce myself and continue chatting as my friends leave. He tells me he's new to Bonn and that he's a student. I tell him I'm a student too. Apparently he's a student of anatomy. He seems to like that I'm a paleontologist. After a while chatting away I had to leave. He asks for my number. I give it to him.

Fast forward a few months. After dating a few months, Ben and I are together.
One evening I'm late coming home from work so I tell him to ring the doorbell since I know Mr. Eau will be in as he's still staying with me. I go shopping for some groceries. I enter the flat and drop my bags in the kitchen and head to my room. I open the door. There on my bed in my room, Ben and Mr. Eau are locked in a passionate kiss. Making out like hungry teenagers.
My heart stops. They notice me and immediately break the kiss. Ben stands up. I back away. I notice their red lips. I shut the door and run out of the flat. I can hear my name being called from behind me. Whether it's Ben or Mr. Eau I don't know nor do I care. I hasten down the stairs and exit the building. I rush towards the bus stop in the square. I hear someone calling my name. I rush into the first bus that arrives at the stop. As the doors close I see both Ben and Mr. Eau. Too late. The bus leaves and I take a seat and put on my earphones. I blast the rite of spring in full volume, hoping that the angry music will drown out some of my mind, but to no avail.
I quickly send a text to Mr. Eau's friend and mine, telling him to inform Mr. Eau that I want him out of my house. That I want all his stuff and him out by morning. I put my phone in airplane mode and sit back as the bus goes to god know where. Turns out the bus was headed to Duisdorf. I get off near my old place and take a walk around the old neighbourhood. Eventually my phone battery dies so I decide to head to the office. I stay the night. In silence.
In the morning I hesitantly turn on my phone to find a barrage of messages and missed calls. I ignore all of it. Mr. Eau's and my friend informs me that Mr. Eau is gone. So tepidly I head home.
I crawl into bed and sleep like the dead.
I wake up to the ringing of the bell. I check who it is. It's Mr. Eau. I ignore the ringing. Unfortunately someone in the building lets him in and I forgot he has the keys to the apartment door. He comes in and says we need to talk. I tell him to get out. He says no. I scream for him to get out. He refuses. He says we need to talk. He carries on, talking about how sorry he is and it was a stupid mistake. I hear nothing. I head to the kitchen and pick up my big knife and pointing it at him I scream at him to get the hello out. He tells me to put the knife down. I scream, I yell. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain. Mr. Eau's face turns pale. I look down. I've stabbed myself. Mr. Eau comes to me, I put my hand out and scream at him to stay away and pull the bloody knife out and point it at him.
I faint.

Next thing I know I'm waking up in a hospital bed with Ben asleep holding my hand and Mr. Eau sitting in a chair. I scream. I scream. Nurses run in. I scream. I yell at them to get out. The nurses ask them to leave. They say they're sorry but I don't care. I scream.
Later a doctor comes by and tells me the wound is ok and that i can leave in a day or so. But they did a blood test and the results prompted an MRI. I ask him what they found. He says I have lymphoma. Suddenly everything clicks into place.
He tells me an oncologist will meet with me later to discuss treatment. I refuse. I'm later discharged.

Several weeks go by. I'm constantly pestered by Ben and Mr. Eau to talk but ignore them entirely. I go to my advisor and inform her I'm done with the thesis and I'd like to graduate as soon as possible. She complies, under the circumstances. I submit my thesis and leave the office.
While I wait for my defence date I stay in complete seclusion. I then learn the Ben and Mr. Eau are now together. I care not.

The day after my defence, I visit an oncologist who tells me in my current condition I have around ten months. So I decide to throw a dinner party. I make it a lavish affair. I invite everyone, including Ben and Mr. Eau. Everyone shows up and helps. Ben and Mr. Eau arrive and I hug them both as if nothing had happened. I treat them like any other couple friends of mine.
As we have dinner I raise a glass to Ben and Mr. Eau and announce that I have cancer and that I only have a few months.